By Jeanni Ritchie
Growing up I always heard the saying “When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME” and the message stuck with me.
The lesson, however, would not come for many more years. I assumed a lot. My overthinking mind usually made scenarios worse than they really were. I didn’t give people the benefit of doubt, my life lessons often showing me the underside of people.
I was a jackass at best. A slave to an imprisoning mind at worst. None of it was necessary.
I’m not the only one. This happens a lot in our society as evidenced by Lana Del Ray’s Instagram post coming to Taylor Swift’s defense a few days after the Grammys. Taylor pulled her fellow Album of the Year nominee up to the stage with her as she accepted her win. Calling it a mean girl move because Lana had just lost, viewers insisted Taylor purposefully put her in an uncomfortable position. The assumptions were based on how they would feel if it had happened to them, how they perceived the facial expressions and body language of each woman, and their personal life experiences.
That doesn’t make it truth, however.
“I literally just loved being there….I..did not feel one ounce of negative emotion at any point…” She didn’t have to explain herself, but she chose to. It seems hypocritical for me to assume her reasoning in an article decrying speculation, but it seems safe to say she was supporting a friend who has had to stare into the face of a thousand barrels lately.
Maybe it’s okay to assume if you give people the benefit of doubt. Maybe that’s the only time assumptions don’t turn you into a member of the Equidae family.
I’m no Taylor Swift but I understand having to deal with people and their faulty assumptions.
My second husband and I are following Katherine Woodward Thomas’ “conscious uncoupling” method. When Gwyneth Paltrow popularized the term during her divorce to Chris Martin in 2014, I dismissed it as another bizarre celebrity trend.
I’m wondering now why I thought amicable divorces were so strange. Surely, I hadn’t forgotten my first divorce and the every-other-weekend exchanges in the McDonald’s parking lot. I remember the years it took to pay off the lawyers. I painfully recall every joyous event in my children’s lives that was marred by the “gladiator uncoupling” method we’d used instead of the symbiotic relationship we have now.
I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. My second husband and I didn’t have minor children, but we did have grandchildren. If children are Circle K, grandchildren are BUC-EE’S.
But people didn’t understand. That was fair; our separation had started off rocky and we didn’t hold a press conference when it evened out. I’m open but discreet; those details weren’t yet made public. I did share privately though. That’s where the assumptions came in.
“You called off the divorce?”
No, we can be amicable and still divorce.
“You’ll be okay.”
I’m actually better than ever.
“He’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear.”
“You’re just saying what he wants to hear.”
He’s 70; I’m 54. We’re confident in our discernment. I know my intentions.
“You were planning this for a long time.”
Because slinking back to your hometown in exile with no money and a complete career change in middle age is on every girl’s bucket list?
“How is he going to handle it when you start dating someone?”
I’m not dating; I’m returning to SBC. No, that’s not the Southern Baptist Convention; it’s Single by Choice.
“You’re faking your friendship for clicks.”
Really? You give me more credit in the self-control department than I deserve.
We can only change our negative thinking by fostering healthy communication. Ask questions; accept answers at face value. Deep diving for hurts only causes mental pain. If you aren’t sure, always presume positivity!
