I love you more than football,
I love you more than hoops.
I love you more than baseball —
And that’s almost the truth.
n.From “Love is a Ball,” a work in progress
There is no way to win on Valentine’s Day.
Sports is about trying to win and sports is about pressure, either imagined or for real. But you can’t win on Valentine’s Day. Can’t do it. Too much pressure for even the best of us.
You have to do something on Valentine’s Day. Gotta make the free throw. Gotta complete the pass. Gotta get on base.
It’s ridiculous.
It’s like being on the Kiss Camera, or “Kiss Cam,” a popular thing at sporting events. It’s a public torture chamber and should be banned. They show a “couple” on the Kiss Cam and they’re supposed to kiss. Even if it’s a first date, even if it’s a last date, even if they’ve just had a fight over who’s going to get the beer. The guy who invented the Kiss Cam should have to go on a date with Rosie O’Donnell.
The only time Kiss Cam has hit a homer was when it caught Mr. and Mrs. Met kissing at Citi Field. And that was in the summer. When Valentine’s Day should be.
No one can be perfect all the time. Baseball millionaires get a hit just 30 percent of their at-bats. But Valentine’s Day demands that you barrel it up. On demand. Not just a hit, but extra bases.
Tip of the hat to the guy who made up Valentine’s Day. He’s rolling in the dough and the rest of us are trying to figure out how to do “something special” for our significant others on a blah day in February, which would be just another day if this Valentine’s Day Creator hadn’t ruined up.
The best way to combat Valentine’s Day is to admit it. Admit your romantic game is in the cellar. What I know about women and relationships, you could fit in a walnut shell. But I DO know that when you’re staring into the loss column, the best thing to do is to say so.
“I love you but I don’t know what to do today to express that. BUT, would you like to go eat out in a couple of weeks? Also, I will buy you new underwear and some socks.”
Boom.
That’s what works for me. Just move Valentine’s Day to another day. A random day when you express to your beloved that you think they are Johnny Unitas reincarnated. Give him or her a card on Valentine’s Day, then eat out and send flowers on a Wednesday in March. Watch a March Madness game with them.
End of story.
That’s really what’s wrong with Valentine’s Day. There is nothing to do, sports-wise, in mid-February. Super Bowl’s done. Basketball is mid-season. Spring training just started, but how many of us can take time off in winter to go to Scottsdale or Cocoa Beach?
Too bad, because America’s best sports song is about dating. It’s about love.
“TAKE ME OUT … to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd…”
If only there were a game to go to.
Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu
